Irrelevance Glorified

So, if you know me, you know that I don’t like Tom Brady. In fact, even if you don’t really know me, you might suspect that I hate Tom Brady, considering that I’ve made two posts consisting solely of the fact that I hate Tom Brady, on occasions where he has suffered devastating losses.

So why do I hate Tom Brady? Well, it doesn’t help that he played football at Michigan. My loathing of Michigan football is even deeper than that for Tom Brady. But it’s more than that. You see, I dislike all “good-looking” quarterbacks. Tom Brady is already a quarterback. He plays the most important position for the most popular sport in America. He makes millions of dollars because he’s actually really good at it. He has probably spent his entire life, since high school, as the center of adulation and attention. He should not get to knock up famous actresses and then marry supermodels. It’s just not right. If you’re going to be a successful quarterback, you should be homely. Otherwise, this is all just unbalanced. Booo, Tom Brady. Yeah, Kyle Orton!

Basically, though, my argument is seeded in jealousy and an inapplicable standard of justice. That’s just petty and irrational. Luckily, science has stepped in an gave me a plausible, legitimate reason for my prejudices! Continue Reading »

So I’m feeling pretty good right now.

I see now that some Daily Show videos I have posted below are not unavailable. More specifically, some of the stuff that would normally be listed under the categories of “Headlines” or “In The News” or “Snark“. What the hell, CC? You should at least check with this web page before you go and reclaim hard drive space by deleting video off of your server. I mean, some of the beginning segments on TDS are mind-blowingly brilliant, yet they will likely never be seen again, since they won’t fit your strange categories in your online archive, which I have to say is really strangely organized. Don’t get me wrong; I love the online-ness of TDS; if I didn’t do that I might be forced to, uh, find a friend who downloads them and watch them there. I will gladly view a few ads to stream them easily and freely, but you should really find a way to keep the best ones. Like maybe allow some sort of voting system, and take the best 10 segments of the month and move them into permanent storage or something. Don’t make me resort to more deep linking!

I really hate Tom Brady.

So I’m feeling pretty good right now.

(note : originally written in 2003)

This is perhaps one of my most deep-seated, irrational hates. The slightest mention of Michigan may initiate a torrent of swear words from my mouth. Sometimes I drive by a street by that accursed name and it will illicit a large amount of bad vibage from my person. People who don’t know of my passionate loathing for Michigan are often surprised, sometimes astonished, and mostly amused when they (usually unknowingly) walk right into the path of one of my tirades by mentioning Michigan. Continue Reading »

(note : originally written in 2000)

If you have been watching TV at all lately, you will have no doubt seen “The Truth” ads that air quite frequently. As a result of the numerous lawsuits brought against “Big Tobacco”, they are forced to fund anti-youth smoking commercials that will show us the error of our ways. Sure, information is good. And sure, underage smoking is bad. But these commercials serve nothing but to piss me off and I think they will be effectively uneffective in discouraging teen smoking. More disquieting is my suspicion that they will undermine any progress we have made in combating youth smoking. Continue Reading »

(note : originally written in 2000)

There is a great bit of tension in the air between science and religion in the subject of evolution. The sad thing is that there doesn’t need to be. The Pope and a number of other religious leaders agree that evolution is compatible with religion. And yet around the United States, school boards are opting for equal time between creationism and evolution. And I think this is horrid. Continue Reading »

(note : originally written in 1999)

I believe that the designers of these push-faucets meant well. They sleep well at night, believing themselves to be saving the environment and maybe even some baby seals or something. However, this invention has gone horribly wrong. Continue Reading »

(note : originally written in 1999)

I admit, I bet I’m a little biased on this one. Wait a second, I’m biased on every one of these. That’s the point. Anyways, my first year here at UIUC I lived on the 9th floor of Oglesby Hall, in which there are 12 floors. Incidentally, the elevators only go up to the 11th floor, so the poor 12th floor residents are fated to climb stairs anyway. But that’s another matter. Most University Residence Halls are a maximum of 4 floors high. Therefore, I feel it is only fair that residents of taller residence halls should only be be allowed to use the elevator to travel more than four floors. This is reasonable to me. However, I often found myself in the elevator, stopping at low floors, therefore delaying my appearance on the 9th. On the good side, whenever a person takes the elevator to a low floor, it unites the rest of the elevator. A definite bond is formed. It’s almost a sense of cameraderie, that hey “That guy was damn lazy!” It’s great. You have to be there. Continue Reading »