Irrelevance Glorified

You’re probably shocked and confused that there are two angry bad rants so close to one another. Well, the publishing of the rant for G.I. Joe was precipitated by my viewing of Equilibrium. As I was watching this movie, I realized it was perfect for a rant, but I had a draft of that G.I. Joe one sitting in the queue. So, I pushed it out so I can get going on this one.

Equilibrium is a 2002 action flick starring Christian Bale & Taye Diggs, among others. While not getting the greatest reviews when it came out (37% Fresh on Rotten Tomatoes), it’s had a bit of resurgence in the intervening time, and at this point it’s rated 7.8/10 on IMDB. Because of the intriguing re-evaluation of this film’s merits, I thought it was worth a Netflix rental. As it turns out….this is a bad movie. Read on for more, spoilers included.
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As I’m writing this, it’s November 6th and I’m on a flight from San Francisco to Tokyo. I’m flying ANA, and overall, I would have to say the movie selection is pretty impressive. The last time I flew to Japan, I was stuck with Jaws (the original movie), two different movies about North Pole explorers separated from their dog teams (focusing on the dog teams, of course), Big Momma’s House 2, The New World, Match Point, and When a Stranger Comes Calling. Not the finest selection.

But this time, I have a number of interesting choices, both old and new. The Hangover, about 4 Harry Potter Movies, The Taking of Pelham whatever, Training Day, a couple of James Bond movies, Transporter 3, Heat, Shawshank, The Da Vinci Code, Night at the Museum, Little Miss Sunshine, Babylon A.D., and some others. A number of these movies fall in that nether region of “I would never pay to watch that, but if you strapped me into a seat for 11 hours, I might consider them.” One movie in that category especially caught my eye : G.I. Joe.

From all that I’ve read, G.I. Joe is a horrible movie. I didn’t think that it would exceed my expectations. However, I did feel that it might be angry bad fodder. And boy, is it ever! It is so bad, that I find myself reaching for my laptop while the movie is still running so I can record the ridiculous before I forget about it.

G.I. Joe is just the latest entry in the obsession with taking my childhood toys, applying CG, and pumping out crappy movies. It should come as no surprise that movies such as Monopoly and Bazooka Joe (seriously) are in the works. As this movie was coming out, all the signs pointed to a disappointment. All the trailers were very careful never to show more than 0.5 seconds of any scene, with absolutely no dialog. No screening events. A Wayans Brother. Etc. But enough build-up, on to the suck. And naturally, there will be a lot of spoilers as I discuss the plot.
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Today it is time for another installment of the ‘angry-bad‘ tag. Today’s lucky recipient is “National Treasure: Book of Secrets“. Invariably when I rant on things like this, people ask me why I continue to waste my time, why I choose to start watching movies that suck. Well, first of all, I just needed to kill some time while my laundry was going. Secondly, I was watching it off of Netflix streaming, so it’s not like this movie took up a slot in my queue; this movie did not displace the physical representation of a good movie traveling to my apartment. And finally…I liked the first movie. National Treasure was a decent ridiculous movie. There are certain types of movies that I am a sucker for. Heist movies, for example. I just love ‘em. Ocean’s Eleven…and Twelve and Thirteen for that matter. Italian Job. Many Guy Ritchie movies. Another type I love is stupid treasure movies, like, for example, National Treasure. Movies like this tap into a cultural nerve, of sorts. Over much of the world, we’ve traversed over the land, we’ve scanned the ground from the sky, we’ve spread our species out over any piece of arable land. One might think that there is nothing hugely fantastic left to find. There are no Great Pyramids out there that we just haven’t noticed. So it’s very compelling to create a narrative where great treasure has been hidden under our very noses. It’s what made The Da Vinci Code so popular. When done correctly, it can be quite entertaining. So read on, for spoilers, a dissection, a refusal to suspend disbelief….and possibly my longest post ever.
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So, I have a Netflix account, and my queue is currently populated with over 200 items (a little bit overcounting, though, since multi-disc television shows list as one item per disc). I often put movies in the queue that probably wouldn’t be considered all that great, some that get poor reviews, just because I haven’t seen them, and I want to take a flyer on them. For instance, Demolition Man is currently in the mail, approaching my apartment. I expect this movie to be horrible, but hopefully it will be entertaining.

Virtuosity is horrible. And it is not entertaining Continue Reading »