original stories ranjeet on 08 Sep 2011 07:00 pm
Nano-man 5 : Nanogeddon
What follows is the final chapter of my high school stories, the saga of Nano-man. Reading this again, this episode is the most cracked-out, non-sensical one out of all of them. I added a number of new characters, all modeled off of classmates or previous characters. This sort of reminds me of the Batman and Spiderman movie series, where by the end of it they were cramming in all sorts of supervillains. By this time in the course, we were apparently studying evolution in a physiological sense, discussing adaptations and the like. I have just the faintest notion what the Red Raccoon stuff was about. I think Michael Bay should definitely direct this one.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________
Nano-man was as tired as he had ever been. After killing an archvillian, then fighting him again a month later, then dealing with his one hundred clones, Nano-man was stressed out.
Nano-man was chilling out with Microboy in Nano-man’s private arcade. Microboy had beat Nano-man twenty times in a row in Mortal Kombat. After all, Nano-man wasn’t the best in everything.
“Wanna play again?” asked Microboy.
“Uh….I don’t think so,” answered Nano-man. “I have some shopping to do.”
“Where?”
“At the mall.”
“Hey can you drop me off?”
“Sure.”
On the way, Nano-man discovered that he needed to get gas. He pulled into the Cell (Shell, get it?) Gas Station and filled the tank. When he went in to pay, he saw a robbery in progress.
“Stop!” he commanded the masked felon.
The robber quickly turned and jump-kicked Nano-man. Nano-man flew through the door and hit the gas pump island. Window cleaning fluid poured on him. The robber appeared in the doorway.
“You can’t fight me!” it said, and ripped off the mask. It was a woman! “If you’re Nano-man, then you can call me Nano-woman!”
She quickly left the scene.
“You got beat by a girl!” said Microboy, getting out from his hiding place.
“Shut up!” said Nano-man.
Ten minutes later, Frank Quentin arrived at the scene. The investigator, as usual, was too late to do anything constructive. But he questioned Nano-man anyway.
“What in the world happened here?” he asked. Nano-man related the story to him.
“You got beat by a girl?” Frank said incredulously.
“Shut up!” said Nano-man, clearly annoyed.
“You know, she kinda looked like you, Nano-man,” commented Microboy.
“She should,” he answered. “She’s my sister, Meghan.”
“That’s impossible!” said Microboy. “Your parents have all dominant genes. But that woman had blond hair and blue eyes, which are recessive.”
“She always was the oddball of the family,” answered Nano-man. “She’s kinda goofy, you see. But she can really beat me up.”
“Oh. Well, we’ll keep you informed of advances,” said Frank Quentin, as he got in his car to leave. “Your car was totaled by Nano-woman. Want a lift?”
On the way to the mall, there was a traffic jam. At the front was a man who appeared to be just standing there. Nano-man and Microboy got out to confront him.
“Who are you?” asked Nano-man.
“I’m Hispanic Man,” explained the traffic causer.
“Why are you called that?” asked Microboy.
“I’m Hispanic and I’m a man. Who are you, Stupidboy?”
“Do you have any special powers?”
“No, unless, of course, you count the concussive beams of energy that I can project from my arms.”
And with that he raised his arms. Microboy jumped out of the way as Nano-man was propelled backwards through various cars. By the time Quentin got out of his car, the villian was gone.
“Today isn’t your day, Nano-man,” Frank said.
“Ugghh,” was all Nano-man could say.
“That guy looked like you, Mr. Quentin,” said Microboy.
“Of course. He’s my evil brother.”
“What is this, a family reunion?” muttered Microboy.
Two days later, Nano-man still had a headache. And on that day he also got a letter. It read:
Dear Nano-man,
Meet me at the house on Darwin Mountain. I have important information to give you.
“You think it’s a trap?” asked Microboy.
“Of course,” answered Nano-man. “That’s why I’m going in.”
Darwin Mountain was a strange mountain. It was a mountain totally made of sedimentary rock. A river had eroded everything around it, leaving it towering thousands of microns above everything else. Many fossils have been found there. This helped the paleontologists and archeologists develop the theory of evolution. The breakthough came when Bob Darwin, world reknowned naturalist/furniture store giant CEO developed his version of evolution, which he called the Theory of Evolution by Natural Selection. Another naturalist, Edward Coli, develped the Modern Theory of Evolution. In honor of Darwin, this mountain was named after him. At the top was one house. It was privately owned but rented out for times when people wanted to set traps for superheroes or hold archvillian assemblies.
When Nano-man and Microboy got to the house, they rang the doorbell. No one answered. They tried to the door and were surprised to find it unlocked. When they had proceeded ten microns into the building, they heard the door slam behind them. Nano-man braced himself for the ambush. Instead of being attacked, though, all he heard was a hissing sound.
“Gas!” he gasped.
He ran towards the door, but he was too late. Everything went hazy, then black.
Nano-man woke up with his hand and feet bound, on a metal floor in some warehouse. He was still weak from the gassing. So he couldn’t break the bonds. Microboy was five microns away, also bound.
“Hello, Nano-man,” said a familiar voice. “I hope you had a nice nap.”
The man who said it was a shriveled, tiny man, half Microboy’s height. Nano-man then remembered the voice. It was The Virus! But The Virus was twice Nano-man’s height, and had also been destroyed when his weapon backfired in Nano-man’s first written adventure.
“I know what you’re thinking,” The Virus said. “But I survived the implosion of my weapon. But I was reduced to my present size. And unexpected consequence was that I became radioactive. My half-life is five thousand years. I will live to see my master plan come to life! Now, meet my associates.”
The Virus pointed to a mass of large red slime. “This is the Blob. He can eat through anything. He can cause himself to undergo physiological adaptations almost instantaneously.”
He next pointed to a guy in a loud bodysuit of all the neon colors. “This is pH Man. You’ve fought him before. He can produce acidic and basic solutions and spew them at people.”
He pointed to another man and a woman, who looked vaguely like Frank Quentin and Nano-man, respectively. “You’ve already met Hispanic Man and Nano-woman.”
He then pointed to something that looked like a whale with butterfly wings. It hovered in the air. “We call in the Thing. It’s the result of one of Dr. Von Martin’s genetic experiments. If you look at the Thing’s flipper and a human hand, you will see that they are homologous structures. If you look at it’s wings and a bird’s wings, you will see that they are analogous structures.”
“And back there,” The Virus said, gesturing at a dark corner, “are one hundred and one Dr. Von Martins. They were essential to my plan. We set up a jailbreak and rescued them all. They’re amazing! You just feed them a little and they’re happy. Sure, they’re dirty, smelly, and kind of crazy, but that’s the price I pay.”
“Before I do away with you,” he continued, “I’ll tell you my plan. Using Dr. Von Martin’s knowledge of genes, and my overpowering intellect, I have created a computerized machine that can control all adaptations in a population. I will slowly change everybody to peace-loving, weak, servile citizens. After that, I will stabilize the gene pool and create genetic equilibrium. Then my archvillians and I will wreak havoc on these people. Crime will run rampant. But these people will be unable to make behavioral, morphological, or physiological adaptations. The people will be unable to survive. But we, being nasty and mean archvillians, will be perfectly suited to this environment. Due to natural selection, we will take over! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!”
“Not quite,” said Nano-man, untying himself. “With the help of my trusty Swiss Army Knife, I’m now free. Here, Microboy.” Nano-man quickly cut Microboy’s bonds. “Okay, Virus. Now that you’ve told me your plan, I have a reason to fight you. I suggest you surrender.”
“Not a chance,” countered The Virus. “Come on, guys!”
The archvillians slowly closed on our heroes. Things looked dim for Nano-man. Suddenly, there was a crash from above! Something had jumped through the skylight. It looked like a red ball.
“I’ve come to help you, Nano-man,” said the ball.
The ball landed on the ground, unrolled, and stood up. It was a ….raccoon?
“Since you took my case for me, I’m helping you,” it said.
“Red Raccoon!” said Nano-man. “My old buddy! You shouldn’t have come. You don’t have any special powers.”
“Neither does Microboy,” whined Red Raccoon. “But you let him come along anyway.”
“That’s different,” replied Microboy. “I’m smart and provide comic relief.”
“I can provide comic relief!” pleaded Red Raccoon. He took five chainsaws, a unicycle, a banana peel, and a pie out of his pocket. He juggled the chainsaws while riding the unicycle, then slipped on the banana peel and fell face-first onto the pie. He stood up. “Ta-da! Please Nano-man, can I join in?”
“Hey,” said The Virus. “Can we cut the arguing and start battling?”
“As you wish,” replied Red Raccoon, as he leapt at Hispanic Man. Hispanic Man went wild as Red Raccoon attached himself to this face. He started wildly firing beams of energy. One of his shots hit the Thing, and shot off both of it’s wings. It fell on the ground with a boom. The shock wave carried the Blob off the ground, heading towards pH Man. He wildly threw balls of base at it, hoping he could save himself. Unfortunately, the Blob was mostly acidic. The combination of acid and base was not desirable , and the product burned them both severely. The Dr. Von Martins, startled by the commotion, stated panicking in and started to beat one another up. As Hispanic Man had been knocked unconscious by Red Raccoon, only Nano-woman and The Virus were left.
Nano-woman started walking toward Nano-man. Nano-man knew from childhood experience that she could beat him up, so he looked for a way out.
“Uh…um….er…hey, your socks don’t match!”
She looked down and shrieked.
“Oh no! I’ve got to get home before someone sees me!”
She ran right through the wall and ran home.
“Looks like you lost, Virus,” said Red Raccoon.
“I’m taking everyone down with me!” he said, running to the computer in the corner. “And with this, Metrocyte is doomed.” He pressed a button, and smiled exultantly. But nothing happened. He pressed more buttons, but to no avail. “What went wrong?”
“This went wrong!” said Microbboy, holding the electric plug for the weapon. “You should’ve used batteries.”
“NO!” cried The Virus as Nano-man cuffed him. “I’m gonna get you guys in the next story!”
“Whatever,” said Frank Quentin, who had just arrived, as he and his partner Aman Ali led the villian away.
Later on, Nano-man, Red Raccoon, and Microboy ate dinner at a restaurant.
“Hey, Red Raccoon,” asked Microboy, “how did you get from your world to ours?”
“Well,” answered Red Raccoon,” I was wondering when you were going to ask me that. I was working with my chemistry set in my room. I developed a shrinking potion and drank it.”
“And you shrank to our size!” exclaimed Nano-man.
“No,” admitted Red Raccoon. “It didn’t do anything. But then I decided to take a walk outside. When I crossed the street a truck ran me over. I had an out-of-body experience, and I drifted down here.”
“Wow!” was all Microboy could say.
Well pH man was treated for many second and third degree burns. The Blob was not found, and apparently evaporated. The Thing and fifty Dr. Von Martins were sent to the local zoo. The other fifty-one were sent back to the jail. Hispanic Man was forever changed by his battle with Red Raccoon, becoming a law-abiding, docile citizen. He decided to return home and live with his parents like his brother. Nano-woman was grounded for two months for threatening to cause mass destruction and beating up her younger brother. The Virus was locked inside a lead vault, to stay there until he became radioactively stable again. Red Raccoon woke up in his own world, with just a few broken bones and a concussion. All the good people lived happily ever after. The End.