Conspiracy Theories ranjeet on 04 Dec 2007 12:14 am
A Solid Explanation
The date : some time in the near past.
The scene : a smoky, dimly-lit room. No windows; presumably far underground. A large square table stands in the center of the room. Seated around the table are a number of humanoid shapes — they are bulky, stocky, and unmemorable. Each one an old, white-haired male. Their facial features are vaguely lit from below by low lamps on the table.
Shadowy Figure 1: Well, I’ll call this meeting to order. Does anyone remember what we ended with last week?
Shadowy Figure 2: I believe the last thing decided on before we adjourned was gas prices for the next 10 weeks.
Shadowy Figure 1: Ah yes, gas prices. Before we leave today, we’ll have to decide who will win the upcoming primaries. We can hold off on deciding the election for a few months. Does anyone have any business they would like to introduce?
Shadowy Figure 3: There is something I need to bring to everyone’s attention — www.ranjeetrao.com is updating again.
[agitated murmuring all around]
Shadowy Figure 4: Him again! I thought he was too lazy to write anything!
Shadowy Figure 5: What will we do? He must be stopped! If he continues to post blog updates, he could lead a revolution that will destroy everything that we have worked so hard to accomplish! His influence must not be underestimated!
Shadowy Figure 6: Shall I call for the ninjas? They can “take care” of our problem.
Shadowy Figure 1: No! If he is silenced, then he will just serve as a martyr for his followers. He must be made to silence…himself!
Shadowy Figure 7: There must be a way to occupy him….look at his latest entries…they are all concerning Illinois Football.
Shadowy Figure 1: Yes! That is the answer…we must concentrate his attention on Illinois football, so that he can spend less time unraveling our web of lies! First up, let’s have them upset Ohio State.
Shadowy Figure 4: Consider it done. I know…people.
Shadowy Figure 1: Yes, yes, what else can we do?
Shadowy Figure 3: Can we get them to a BCS bowl?
Shadowy Figure 2: Better! How about the Rose Bowl!
Shadowy Figure 7: That’s crazy! They can’t win the Big Ten…for them to get to the Rose Bowl after upsetting Ohio State, we’ll have to get Ohio State back to the top 2 in the BCS and Illinois in the top 14 of the BCS rankings, and then keep the Rose Bowl from picking anyone else!
Shadowy Figure 1: Gentlemen, we have a lot of work to do. We cannot waste time laughing maniacally; we must suspend our micromanaging of the world and concentrate on the task at hand. All agreed?
[murmured assent]
Then meeting adjourned!
[Exit all characters, shuffling out of the single exit. Last one out turns off the light]