Great Ideas ranjeet on 07 Dec 2006 02:50 am
The Secret Plan to End All Secret Plans
(note: this was originally written in 2000. Which is why it makes minimal sense now)
As we all know, I have come up with some kooky ideas in the past. Some have been lame, and some have not. Some people have even gone so far as to say that my schemes are stupid. Well, I will be vindicated with this current plan, which is vast in its scope and its goodliness. I will no longer be denounced as a child of the devil, and people may perhaps throw softer fruits at me, rather than the super-dense fruitcakes I have been bombarded with in the past.
Like most of my ideas, this starts with something I hate. In this case, it is sappy, shallow pop bands. Such as The Backstreet Boys, as well as their pseudo-variants, N Sync and 98°. I really don’t have a problem with the female equivalent, Britney Spears, because she is hot. But anyways, the Backstreet Boys infuriate me, not only because of the puzzling phenomenom of their screaming hordes of female fans, but because the meaning of their songs escape me. I often find myself screaming at the TV, which in of itself is not all that unusual. They touch a special cord in me, however, because I really like lyrics. They often do more for me than the music does, and show a more complex side of the band than just banging riffs. However, as Exhibit A, I present I Want It That Way, a Backstreet Boys song that gets me really riled up. WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN!?!?!?!? It makes no sense! If Chewbacca lives on Endor….
Here is where my roommate Cameron comes in. He has a theory that has merit, I believe. He thinks that there are a handful of computers spread throughout the world, buried deep within the bowels of the earth, that create the lyrics for these crappy songs. The managers for the groups put in a few key words, and the computer will write an entire song, choruses (chori?) and all. All the boys have to do is work out a dance routine – wait, I mean pay their choreographers to make up a dance routine for them. The key point is that the song-writing ability does not lie within the heatthrobbing group, but within the ones and zeros residing in some computer somewhere.
With Cameron’s help, we can turn this to our own advantage. He is often very bored, so hopefully we can channel this bored energy into doing some hard-core coding. With a lot of elbow grease, and a little bit of luck, we can create our own program which will create blockbuster songs and will set teenage hearts everywhere aflutter. With a little work and some outside consulting, we could maybe even create programs which will work in other languages. I’ve seen examples of these pop groups in Hong Kong and Korea, and it seems that there is a definite demand for singers who can write cheesy love songs and dance while performing them with those headphones on. As for the person who will actually be doing the singing…..I’m not sure who will volunteer. I would do it, but I’m really not good-looking, something which is a prerequisite for breaking onto the scene. But we will assume that I will undergo extensive plastic surgery and facial reconstruction, and come out looking as cute as a button. With the help of Cameron’s program, and using the Internet to publicize and distribute my songs – thus negating the need to sell my soul to a record label – I will instantly become an international star, going multiple platinum with my debut record, selling out massive stadiums, and building a fan base that greatly outstrips all of the world’s standing armies combined.With this fame comes fortune, which is really the whole point of this undertaking. Some of you may be appalled that I would be doing this for something so crass and materialistic as money, but I’m afraid that influence does not grow on trees nowadays, and money is needed to bring other aspects of “The Plan” to fruition.
The crowning achievement will come after maybe my third album, when I have made millions of dollars and am doing stadium tours to maybe a hundred thousand screaming fans. The day will come when I will emerge from backstage and peer onto the screaming multitudes with a mixture of pity and malice, come up to the microphone, and expose myself for the fraud that I am. I will whip out a laptop computer and show the people who they have been worshipping the past few years, thank them for giving me hundreds of their hard-earned dollars, and then just leave the stage, letting the computer put on the rest of the show. Of course, I will have to disappear from society for a few years, but that’s okay, because the next step of the plan will require a lot of work.
In all probability, very few people are aware of where most of the grain that the US produces goes. Many would think that we export it to hungry nations, or make it into baked goods. Actually, the majority of it – 75-85% – goes toward feeding livestock. (You know, I really don’t have proof of this, but I have heard it many a time. If someone can give me references which either refute or support this statement, I would be glad to see it) It has been stated that as a general rule, as one moves up one level in the food chain, only 10% of the energy gets passed on. I don’t know if the magnitude given is correct, but what its basically saying is true: plant-eaters get more energy out of plants than carnivores get out of herbivores. Its an inescapable result of the first and second laws of thermodynamics, which is to say that energy as a whole is conserved and that if there are irreversible processes taking place within an organism (which there certainly are) than the animal is not being perfectly efficient. Simply put, we are wasting a hell of a lot of energy by eating as much meat as we do, as opposed to eating more plant matter. As far as farmlands go, more food can be grown by raising crops on a plot of land than by raising animals. Meaning that it takes far less land to grow enough vegetables/plant matter to feed a family of five than it would if one wanted to feed them with meat. Also, if one is careful, there is no reason why malnutrition of any sort should occur. So, we would think that if we totally converted to a vegetarian lifestyle, we would be able to support the growing population. If we could just succeed in distributing the food, we could put a serious dent in world hunger. There is just one problem.
Meat tastes good. I find that inescapable. In America, there is the added bonus that it’s convenient. It’s hard to go into a fast food place and get something vegetarian that tastes good; you’re pretty much down to french fries and apple pie. A lot of people share my sentiments. There are a lot of meat and potatoes men out there. So the next step of the plan is to create a true meat substitute. None of this quasi-beef soy crap, but something that really does taste like meat. It’s a tall order, but few things are unsurmountable if you can throw a lot of money at it. So using the profits gained from being a heartthrob, I will fund massive amounts of secret research in order to perfect the perfect meat substitute. I will create JeetBeef and JeetPork and JeetChicken, etc., although probably with a catchier name. I will create substitute blood, to satisfy the primal cravings of those who like to eat their meat raw. After years of research and enough money, I’m sure it can be done. And it must be done in absolute secrecy. Because, you see, I do not intend to tell anyone that I will be feeding them JeetMeat. I will do it slyly, not telling anyone, paying key people to be silent, and silencing them myself if necessary. In the space of a five years, perhaps, meat will be completely phased out, and few people will be the wiser. After that, I will unveil the JeetMeat line of products, to the chagrin of all the non-vegetarians out there. They will scream “We will never give up our meat! Go to Hell!” and I will say “You’ve been eating it for the past five years!” Their spirits broken, they will numbly do as I say. Either that, or they will mob me in a crazed frenzy and rip me to shreds on national television. Well, I hope its the former.
Some may notice another problem that is now arising. I’m sure there are a vast number of workers who depend on the meat industry in order to maintain their livelihood. There are cattle ranchers, truck drivers, railways, butcheries, meat packing plants, safety inspectors, et cetera. They will be all out of jobs, and I doubt that farming is so labor intensive that it could absorb all those workers. I have just created a lot of unemployment! But fear not, I have a vision for these people also. And it involves Microsoft.
Did you know that the United States Armed Forces is currently is the process of switching their systems to Windows NT? The reason they state is that the off-the-shelfness cuts down on costs, and since many people come into the army familiar with the Windows environment, the learning curve is greatly shortened. I don’t know what system they use now, but I can only assume its some sort of Unix variant, since Unix is so widely used for large systems and it’s so old. Unix is very stable, but its also somewhat of a mystery to the uninformed. Once it is mastered, though, it is very powerful. My concern is that even when the military closes up the security gaps and such in the software, it will still be a timebomb waiting to happen. I foresee a future when a Navy vessel enters combat, and just when a missle is tracking the ship and the defenses need to be at their highest….the system crashes. All hands lost. Also, since this further cements Bill Gates’ grasp on this world by connecting him with the finest military in the world, I think its just dangerous. There’s no telling what a crazy man like him might do. We’ll need a crazy man like me to stop him. All those cattle ranchers, meat-packers, etc., will now be trained to be computer programmers. And with my rising influence in the government, I will persuade the armed forces to turn to Linux as the OS of choice. My army of programmers will create a robust working environment for the military to use, and also a nice GUI so we can U.S. soldiers to work quickly. There will be no fear of a systems crash at a critical moment, and less money will go into Bill Gates’ bank account. Also, since Linux is free, and my programmers will be paid out of my own pocket, the government will be saved millions of dollars at least, probably billions of dollars when you consider how much downtime there will be to fix Microsoft-induced bugs and for the upgrades that Microsoft will demand (“Well, to launch the missiles you can use MS MissleLauncher for NT 3.0, but if you want them to actually hit something, I’m afraid you’ll have to upgrade to MissleLauncher 4.5″).
So, what has my idea done? It has stopped world hunger and kept the world safe for democracy. All at the cost of major lifestyle changes for a small percentage of the population and the destroyed psyches of young impressionable women. What more could one want? I will no doubt be elevated to the position of Demi-God and rule over the world. With my iron fist and aluminum ankle, I will set things right and a Golden Age will dawn on humankind. So watch out for my new single and place close attention to what you’re eating.