Irrelevance Glorified

(note: originally written in 1998)

Have you ever wondered why the year ends when it does? I mean, here we are, just tooling along, and WHA-BAM! We have to change all of our calendars and spend a few weeks writing new checks because we write the old year on them. The year, as it is, ends for no reason. And I have a solution to this ages-old problem.
No longer do we have to live under the tyrannical rule of convention! Nay, we can thrust off the yoke of the years past and forge a new future. And all it would take is to move the year ahead by 10 days. You see, December 21 is the day of the winter solstice, a truly meaningful time in that it marks the shortest day for those of us in the northern hemisphere that still have days, and the longest day for you poor chaps in the southern hemisphere who still have nights.

You might ask why we should go to the trouble of changing everything, seemingly on the whim of a short Indian guy. But I assure you, this idea is not only to my advantage, as my ego will surely be boosted if everyone adopts my idea, but also to the whole world.

First the advantages that are more felt than seen. What do most people do when the new year starts? If you’re like many people, you start thinking of New Year’s Resolutions that you can attempt to follow through with. Why do people do this? When New Year’s Day comes around, and you get to toss out the old calendar, you feel as if the slate has been wiped clean and you are starting anew. Is this in fact the case? Hell no. Time is continuous; other cultures start the New Year at a time when the Earth is at a different point in its orbit. But psychologically, we are starting anew. Changing the end of the year to the solstice merely furthers that feeling. Now people can say “The days will only get longer from here!” or if you’re some sort of southern hemispheran, you can say “The last day of the year is the longest day!” Doesn’t that bring a greater, snugger sense of closure?

Secondly, there is a more fiscally admirable reason to change. By ending the year on a solstice, we accomplish one more thing: we place the other solstice at the mid-year point. And this leaves an opportunity that retailers crave. They get another holiday in the middle of the summer, which is a relative desert of festiveness comapred to the end of the year and all its religion-based gift-giving. The economy is suitably boosted. Hallmark has a reason to sell cards other than for birthdays. Mid-Year parties will abound, and the whole party industry will be enrichened. After all, next to the hard-working farmer, the trusty balloon-maker is the backbone of America. Imagine thousands of people thronging Times Square in New York even though it’s 95 degrees out, cheering to bring in the second half of the year. And if there’s anything people want, it’s more holdidays.

Imagine the future. Far, far future, when finally beings from another solar system visit Earth and find it inhabited with a civilization that has altered its planet enough to qualify it as an advanced civilization. Imagine them looking at our stupid wars, our racism, our unequal wealth distribution, and the proliferation of tv infomercials. They are about to turn back, opting to wait another hundred years and hope we’ve risen above our petty differences. But then one of them notices our calendar. With rising excitement, he tells his colleagues about his discovery. It appears that we set our calendar around the eccentricities of our orbit and seasons. What a rational decision! They decide that we must be worth something after all and come down to further investigate. Of course, everyone will panic and riot, and destroy the aliens and probably Earth, greatly relieving the Doomsdayers. But just think, we would have gained the respect of an advanced civilization!

So, call your local representative or legislator today, and tell them that you won’t vote for them in the next election unless they stand behind this. If they won’t listen, support your local crime syndicate and/or paramilitary group today, so they can use their superior “lobbying” powers. Just tell them Jeet sent you.